In honour of all the True Blood and Twilight mania going on, I decided to take some time to investigate the local flavour of lycanthropy and came across the interesting story of the Argentine werewolf. This is not your jailbait, six-pack sporting werewolf that pines after mildly attractive girls with absolutely no personality (a.k.a Jacob Black and Bella Swan), but the scary man-eating type you normally threaten your kids with when they’re being annoying or crying or whatever the hell it is kids do.
The facts-? I probably should say “facts” though, since this is folkloric bullshit, but whatever. The seventh son of a married couple (no bastards or daughters allowed) is a werewolf. Yes, it’s that simple. No getting bitten by a werewolf or cursed by some scorned biotch, merely having the bad luck of being born the seventh son of seven boys. Which in itself is bad luck, if you think about it, because your clothes will probably be hand-me downs for the rest of your life and if your parents had seven kids they’re either idiots or Catholics, and I’m not sure which is worse… Anyways, here’s a fun fact: in my mother’s small town in the province of Corrientes, the postman was the seventh son, and many people believed he shifted into a wolf. What did this mean? People would cross to the other side of the street when they saw him, ignore him and not look him in the eyes, and generally be a total jerk to him. Which personally I think is retarded, since he could only change at night and during the full moon, so there was no point mistreating him during the day, right? I mean, if you’re gonna believe these bullshit legends at least pay attention to the rules.
Many couples (obviously undereducated peasants) sacrificed their seventh son out of fear of his becoming a werewolf, so what happened? Why, they invoked the President. As in couples started naming whoever was President of Argentina at the time as godfather to their seventh son, invoking his protection so the child wouldn’t be discriminated. Then in 1973 President Perón issued a decree that officialized this custom, decree number 848, which also ensured that the kid would receive a full scholarship for primary, secondary and tertiary education. Pretty sweet, huh? A small upside to the life of hand-me-downs I guess.
Problem: a little thing called GENDER DISCRIMINATION. What about the seventh girl if you had seven daughters? Some believed the seventh daughter was a witch, but nobody was really dumb enough to believe this (ha!), and it’s much easier to kill a witch, I mean you just tie her to a stake and burn her. But where the hell do you get a silver bullet in the middle of the countryside? Or anywhere for that matter. (Technical note: not sure if you can kill an Argentine werewolf with a silver bullet but that seems to be the general rule for lycanthropes. If you happen to be successful let me know). Moving on, girls were, and still are I think, future women, and what do women need education for? I mean this is Argentina, land of machismo, and as long as a girl knows how to change diapers and cook “milanesas” for her man that’s all she needs, right? (Of course I am joking, so back off all you annoying feminists) Apparently I’m wrong, since in 1974 Perón’s second wife, President María Estela Martínez de Perón, modified the decree to include girls as well.
All’s well that ends well, huh? Though maybe not for the poor postman, who probably died alone as an alcoholic with poor social skills.
To all the “lobizones” and “brujas”
El Pendejo Porteño
PS: Imagine if Cristina was your godmother? Just the thought gives me the chills
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